Wednesday, July 31, 2013

One year home... almost.

I know, I know!  It's been years since I last blogged!  No, but really it's been 6 months.  Time has flown by and also stood still.  I have no idea where the last year went but there were days that seemed to never end.  

I guess I wanted to blog and do an update on Zoomie... and me.  

Zoomie has been home almost one year.  It'll be one year on August 31st.  I will say this has been, hands down, THEEEE hardest year of my life.  The hardest year of OUR lives.  We have struggled and triumphed and then struggled again.  It seems that we are always taking a two steps forward then five steps back.  We make progress then fall again and again.  

We are almost a year into this journey and I regret so much.  I regret not loving enough.  I regret not babying enough.  I regret letting people in too soon.  But we're here now.  Nothing can be changed.  I can finally say, FINALLY, we are in a better place.  My son loves me.  He loves to kiss me and hug me.  He loves to be carried wherever we go (most of the time).  I think he is finally feeling safe.  He's finally feeling free in this life.  It took about 10.5 months to see him let go of anger and grief.  It took us 10.5 months to get to this place.  And I'm not saying that it's all rainbows and butterflies.  We are still fighting.  Every day.  In fact, today was hard.  Really really hard.  But my little Zoom Zoom went to sleep, kissed me and said, "Night Mama.  Wuz you."  He does love me.  He does need me.  And I think I've had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that he needs me.  He needs me to be his mom. He needs me to fight for him every day and to pray over him.  

A few weeks ago, we went to Bass Lake with a group of friends.  The first night there, as we had our usual adult bonfire hangout sesh, something amazing happened.  We were talking about adoption.  Two of the families on this trip, us included, have little boys, adopted internationally, so it was nice to open up to them.  As we sat there and talked, things got deep, reeaaalll deep.  I told my friends with tears in my eyes how defeated I felt as a mother.  They let me talk, then asked if they could pray for me.  And GEEZ did they pray for me.  It was so powerful.  I was crying, they were crying.  I felt the power of God!  That night I went to bed with a new hope.  A hope that God could and would heal my relationship with Zoomie.  I trusted in God to light a fire in me for my son.  I have to say... God is good!  A fire was lit and that fire is still burning.  Like I said, some days are hard, but I see Zoomie through new eyes and that is so refreshing.  

I just want to be real with you people.  For me, adoption wasn't love at first sight... hell, it wasn't even love 6 months in.  Our son was angry and scared.  Our family didn't immediately fall into a beautiful, harmonious rhythm.  I prayed often for Jesus to help me love my son.  To ask God for that feels wrong in a way.  I mean, who doesn't love their own son?  Me.  I didn't.  But it was so hard to love someone when they don't want to be loved by you and when they don't love you back.

But a few weeks ago, God truly did something in our family.  I needed to get to place where I was just done.  Where I had to give up and rely on the Lord.  And I got to that place.  I've never felt so weak in my life.  Those are the moments when God pulls us up.  He pulls us up out of the mud and cleans us off and makes us new.  He heals, and resolves, and builds.  Thank you Lord for being patient with me while I tried to figure this out on my own, when all along, I just needed to let go.  

Thank you dear friends for letting me share our adoption journey with you.  It has been wonderful and terrible and crazy and joyful.  It has been so many things and I will never ever forget this last year.  Thank you to the friends who have prayed and to the friends who have let me vent and cry. 

So here's to a new year (almost) with Zoomie!  Our son.  The tiny boy who was meant to be a part of our family, who has changed us in ways we never thought possible.