Monday, February 18, 2013

A blessing in diguise...

Here we are... about 3 weeks into the outage.  My husband is a zombie, and the kids are crazy but I'm getting into my groove and I'm taking it one day a time.

And dare I say it???  This time with Lane gone so much has been a blessing...  Weird , I know.  This is why...

A few weeks ago Zoomie and I weren't doing so good.  I've talked to my friends about this and I won't go into detail here but these last few months have been hard.  Really, really hard.  There have been days where I have cried so much that I have no tears left.  Three weeks ago, I was running on the treadmill.  Mid stride I had to jump off.  I fell to my knees and sobbed uncontrollably.  

Zoomie and I were/are butting heads.  A few weeks ago we were disagreeing on pretty much everything.  I know what you're thinking... he's two.  Hello!  And I know he's two but we just weren't getting eachother.  I have prayed most days for peace over our relatioship.  I've prayed that I would be able see past the tantrums and the screaming and that I'd have extra patience.  And at this point, at this place in motherhood, I have been tested more than ever.  Some days I have failed miserably and other days I've seen the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Adoption is not easy.  For some, maybe.  But for the rest of us... no.  There are so many unknowns.  You put so much time and energy into getting your little one home that you don't really think about what it will really be like when they are actually here, in your home.  I look back and wish I had read more books on attachment, or asked more questions... but I didn't and here I am.  And how much would that have really helped when none of these little ones are the same and their needs are all so different?  I've read a few books, they were helpful but I was left with so many questions.  And I'm learning that the answers will only come with time.  As I learn who he is, and he learns to love me more and trust me more, it will get easier.  It will get better.  I know it can't get any worse.  I believe we've been through the hardest parts.  We're almost six months in and I feel hopeful!
   
With Lane gone a lot, I have seen more of the light than the dark.  Zoomie has had no choice but to rely on me and need me and want me.  I'm all he's got right now.  Lately we have more good days than bad.  There is a lot less screaming and a lot more laughter.  The tantrums have gone from 40 minutes to just a few minutes and that has given this mommy so much peace!

So thank God for this time.  This time where I am on my own and where I have had to just figure it out.    It truly has been a blessing in disguise.

The other day I was watching this video...

The tears were flowin'.


Yes.  It's been a long cold lonely winter, but here comes the sun.  It truly feels like years since it's been here.  Thank God it's here.  Finally.

9 comments:

Calley said...

I understand. Adoption has been the hardest thing I've ever done, yet also, the most rewarding. I've had to rely on God more and my faith has been stretched more than I ever thought possible. I've struggled with my own emotions and reactions and love-walk more than I thought I would. But now, I'm seeing more breakthrough. Now I'm seeing a little girl being restored and healed/ and it's been worth it all. So glad that you are connecting w Zoomie and things are going well! <3

Erin said...

Calley, thank you so much for sharing that with me! It's so encouraging when I hear that other moms are going through the same emotions. And I'm right there with you... It's me. I too am struggling with emotions and reactions and that has been sooo difficult. Thank you Calley , for you words! I needed them this morning!

Two Cent Sparrow said...

Thank you for your honesty. It is helping me prepare my heart for the reality of what's to come. (I hope - lately I've been so discouraged. it seems as though this waiting will never end. More time to prepare, I guess!)

Erin said...

Anna, the waiting is sooo hard. And yes just look at it as more time to prepare... To let God prepare your heart. I know that God places these little ones in our families and the enemy will try and destroy the beauty of it, but on those hard days I've just had to remember that God made this little guy knowing he'd be with us and us with him. Praying for you guys anna. Praying that the wait won't be much longer!

stina said...

There is a little bit in this article about how she struggled a bit to bond in the beginning with her first of 2 adopted children. It's not much, but still thought it might encourage you :)
http://www.kheigl.com/2012/05/28/adalaide-marie-hope-kelley/
I couldn't tell if my original comment went through, so I'm just sending it again, using name/url instead of email to log in to comment....

Erin said...

Hi Stina! Thank you for that link! I read it. And yes, it's definitely encouraging. I'm learning that this loooong attachment phase is very "normal". It's sucks that it's normal but it's reality and I think it definitely needs to be talked about more. So thank you for putting that out there!

rahul patekar said...

That was a nice story

rahul patekar said...

good story

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