Monday, February 18, 2013

A blessing in diguise...

Here we are... about 3 weeks into the outage.  My husband is a zombie, and the kids are crazy but I'm getting into my groove and I'm taking it one day a time.

And dare I say it???  This time with Lane gone so much has been a blessing...  Weird , I know.  This is why...

A few weeks ago Zoomie and I weren't doing so good.  I've talked to my friends about this and I won't go into detail here but these last few months have been hard.  Really, really hard.  There have been days where I have cried so much that I have no tears left.  Three weeks ago, I was running on the treadmill.  Mid stride I had to jump off.  I fell to my knees and sobbed uncontrollably.  

Zoomie and I were/are butting heads.  A few weeks ago we were disagreeing on pretty much everything.  I know what you're thinking... he's two.  Hello!  And I know he's two but we just weren't getting eachother.  I have prayed most days for peace over our relatioship.  I've prayed that I would be able see past the tantrums and the screaming and that I'd have extra patience.  And at this point, at this place in motherhood, I have been tested more than ever.  Some days I have failed miserably and other days I've seen the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Adoption is not easy.  For some, maybe.  But for the rest of us... no.  There are so many unknowns.  You put so much time and energy into getting your little one home that you don't really think about what it will really be like when they are actually here, in your home.  I look back and wish I had read more books on attachment, or asked more questions... but I didn't and here I am.  And how much would that have really helped when none of these little ones are the same and their needs are all so different?  I've read a few books, they were helpful but I was left with so many questions.  And I'm learning that the answers will only come with time.  As I learn who he is, and he learns to love me more and trust me more, it will get easier.  It will get better.  I know it can't get any worse.  I believe we've been through the hardest parts.  We're almost six months in and I feel hopeful!
With Lane gone a lot, I have seen more of the light than the dark.  Zoomie has had no choice but to rely on me and need me and want me.  I'm all he's got right now.  Lately we have more good days than bad.  There is a lot less screaming and a lot more laughter.  The tantrums have gone from 40 minutes to just a few minutes and that has given this mommy so much peace!

So thank God for this time.  This time where I am on my own and where I have had to just figure it out.    It truly has been a blessing in disguise.

The other day I was watching this video...

The tears were flowin'.

Yes.  It's been a long cold lonely winter, but here comes the sun.  It truly feels like years since it's been here.  Thank God it's here.  Finally.