Friday, May 27, 2011

Losing Control.

Yesterday was a bad day.  One of the worst I've had in a LONG time.  And it wasn't because of anxiety.  It was just a bad day.  


First of all, Lane has been working like 80 hours a week.  So I'm tired.  And we miss him.  We all miss him.  

And then yesterday we just had all kinds of things happen.  Crazy car problems, kid problems, I was an emotional wreck...  It was just a reallllly long day.  I'm worn out.  Yesterday sucked.  All around sucked.

After a really long day and having our car break down in Monterey, we finally made it home after 1 am.

I've come so far with my anxiety.  I've written about it a dozen times.  But last night in bed around 2 am I just felt this fear.  My mind was racing and I felt afraid.  I don't even know what I'm really so afraid of.  But I got up and prayed for the girls and kissed them.  I love doing this when they're sleeping.  I got back into bed and got this book out that I read awhile ago called Living Fearlessly.  In the first part of the book she has all of these prayers that she calls "fearful prayers".  They are all the prayers she wrote down in the beginning of her "letting go of fear" journey.   I read this one last night and I had to share...

"Dear God, I want to love you with my whole heart.  I want to trust you, but I'm afraid.  I'm afraid I'll lose control --- and then anything could happen.  I wonder what you'll ask me to do to prove that I love you or what you might take away from me and how painful will it be.  I want to change, but I don't know how.  I know you know that.  Please help me.  Please do it gently."

It's so simple.  And this is what I fear most.  Losing control.  I want control over my life and over my girls. Their happiness, their health.  But I have to let go of this.  I can do my best as a mom, but in the end life is out of my control and I'm still trying to figure out how to be okay with that.  I'm still not ready to be okay with that and it's something I might be working on for a VERY long time... 

So if you have any stories to share with me I'd appreciate.  If any of you deal with this fear of not being in control... I want you to share!  

My two little lovelies! 
 (Thanks for this picture Krista.)

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Garage Sale DONE!!!

Today went soo well!

My goal was to raise $500.  

We did a little better than that...  We raised $832!!!

Oh it feels so good to know that we have $832 to go towards the adoption.  

Our garage sale was insane.  We had SO MUCH STUFF.  And not only that... it was mostly clothes and little things... so you can only imagine how much we had to sell to raise that much money... also keep in mind we were selling a lot of the clothes for 25¢ a piece.  That's A LOT of clothes!  

We closed down today and all we had left were clothes.  We ended up giving it to the thrift store.  We decided we didn't have enough stuff to do another sale tomorrow.  

I was so worried that this wouldn't be worth it.  But man, this ended up being super duper cool!!!  Yay!!!

And I can't write this without thanking the people that helped.  My aunt, who let us use her house and helped a ton, the wonderful Suzanne, Marika, and Amy, and my parents.  I have amazing people in my life.  I'm so thankful for all you guys did today.  

Now it's time to relax!!!

Monday, May 16, 2011

Waiting for EVEN longer...

So... I've been anxious today.  Not anxious anxious... but just feeling antsy.  We keep hearing different things about the agency in Korea.  Now we're hearing the wait is 14 months from referral time.  That means we probably won't travel to get our baby boy until August or September of 2012!!!  I feel so overwhelmed.  It also means that our son will be over 18 months old when he comes home.  I don't know.  I just need to trust God.  To trust that he has a plan and that he makes all things work for good.  When we went into this... the wait time from referral was 8-9 months.  The difference between 9 months and 14 months is HUGE.  Especially when you're looking at a baby's development.  He'll change so much from 12 months to 18 months.  I'm just so frustrated!  Okay, okay.  I got that out.  I feel a little better now.  I have days where I'm completely okay with it and days where it breaks my heart.  Today, it's breaking my heart.  

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Even more waiting...

We got an email on Saturday.  A bummer of an email.  It was from our agency, stating that adoptions are really slowing down in South Korea.  South Korea has a goal to stop international adoptions completely within the next few years.  Some say it's supposed to shut down by 2012, others say 2016.  I don't know which is correct.  But either way, things are slowing down and that's a bummer for all of us that are waiting.

When I got the email, I didn't feel stressed though.  I felt calm and okay with everything.  Life is soo busy with two little girls and Lane working like crazy.  A few extra months of waiting is okay with me.  That gives me more time to get ready for him.  To get his room ready and to work on other parts of our house.  My goal is to stay super busy and time will fly.  Shoot, it already is.  I can't believe how fast time flies after you have kids.  It's insane.

So it's looking like we'll still be getting our referral within the next month to month and a half and then we WAIT.  Instead of waiting for 8 months after our referral, which is what we thought originally, we'll be waiting for closer to a year or maybe even a bit longer.  So when our son comes home he'll be almost 18 months old.  I feel like now knowing that he's going to be older I need to do a lot of research and learn a lot of korean words!  I know babies at 18 months may not talk a lot buy they can understand almost everything!  And the korean language is not an easy one to learn!  But we'll try!

So please continue to pray for us.  For patience and for peace.  I believe in God's timing.  The Lord knows us.  He knows our hearts and he knows our baby boy.  I know it'll all work out the way it's supposed to.



Friday, May 6, 2011

Life, acupuncture & aloe vera.

Life is good.  We are busy and things are changing... improving.  

I've needed improvement in my life for so long now... over two years.  At the height of my anxiety there was no end in sight.  I thought I'd just be dealing with my "symptoms" forever.  Thank the Lord that that was not the case.  I needed time to grow and to change and that's exactly what I did.  Looking back now I can't even believe that I was ever in that place.  It seems so unreal.

But I conquered it.  I made it through without the help of meds.  Which now I'm realizing that meds may have helped me to get through it sooner, but that's okay.  I'm proud of how far I've come on my own. It took years but I'm here now.  I feel alive.  I feel accomplished.  I'm happy.  I have purpose.  Life is good.

I still have anxiety.  I probably always will.  But I've learned how to stop it before it spirals out of control.  I do this with prayer, breathing, distraction, and just reminding myself that I don't have control over this life.  That what happens, happens.  And I'm okay with that.

Yesterday I went to my first acupuncture appointment.  It was pretty cool.  My acupuncturist is amazing.  She is so knowledgeable and I'm excited to see what she can do for me.  I'm gonna see her every week for awhile.

My anxiety is under control, but now instead of having shortness of breath, dizziness, or heart palpitations, it all goes straight to my stomach.  And then I have issues... stomach aches, nausea, heartburn... you name it.  It sucks.  So my acupuncturist really focused on my digestive system.  She put the needles in then I relaxed and had a nap!!!  It was incredible.  What a great way to escape!

Also today I started drinking aloe vera juice.  I'm gonna take a couple shots a day.  It's really supposed to help with digestive issues.

So these are the new things I'm doing, along with eating good clean foods, drinking tons of water, exercising and trying to get more sleep.  Seriously people, improving your whole self will change your life.  I know I'm such a better person, mother and wife when I feel good.  

Any of you a fan of acupuncture?  Tell me about your experience...

Thursday, May 5, 2011

#4.

I've been thinking about our baby constantly.

Over the past few weeks I've posted a few things on our adoption agency forum, wondering if anyone had heard of any movement on the list.

Every said, "Just call and ask!"  And I didn't want to bother the girls over at the agency so I didn't call...

Until today.

And I got some great news!!!

We're #4!!!

I was shocked!  I was bawling my eyes out on the phone with the agency.  And then I called Lane and cried and then I called my mom and cried some more!

I just can't believe that we are sooo close to knowing who our baby boy is.  

This is real.  This is happening!  And I'm sooo sooo incredibly excited!