Monday, January 31, 2011

And so it begins...

Application is in the mail!

We're adopting.

I'm feeling overwhelmed.  In a really good way.  I'm excited and nervous.  I feel the same way I did when I found out I was pregnant with both of our girls.  I just love this baby so much already and I can't wait to meet him.

Pray for us friends... we're gonna need it.  

This is gonna be a long road.  

Friday, January 28, 2011

Exciting things are happening in the Biermann household.  Can't wait to share it with all you...  Soon.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

El Cap!

This past weekend, our family and TONS of our amazing friends had the privilege of "camping" at El Capitan Canyon.  (We stayed in really sweet cabins... so it wasn't camping AT ALL.)

There were a billion kids (21 to be exact) and a lot of adults too.  The weather was absolutely perfect like 85 degrees, everyone got along, no broken bones, no missing children... it was just great.

What a nice way to spend a few days away in January!  I love the random January heat waves.

And these few days made me really appreciate our friends.  I love them so much.  I feel like I just spent the entire 3 days laughing.  Which is so good.  I came home feeling mentally refreshed.  That's a good feeling.

I only took a few pictures... on my phone.  And I stole one from a friend.


How sweet is this cabin??

All of our cabins shared THIS backyard.  Isn't is amazing?

The girls first time sleeping in a bed together.  It was kind of a nightmare.

Exhausted after a HOT fun-filled three days!  And yes, they hold hands when we drive.  Cute.

THIS happened shortly after we got home.  Wow.

All cleaned up and watching Despicable Me.

These girls truly love each other and I love that.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Life so far... 2011

We're 15 days into 2011.  

Things have been... interesting.  I've made some great progress already... with my anxiety and all that stuff.  No medication (yet), but instead, tons of vitamins and progesterone cream, and lots of running.  I'm feeling good about this and I already feel better, physically and mentally.

And I was thinking "Okay, okay, this is good.  I'll get super healthy, run a lot, get my life back on track, get my priorities straight..."  You know, all the good stuff.  Then last night Lane threw me for a loop.


We often have really good before bed conversations.  Usually serious ones.  I love these talks.  

And he said, straight up, "I've been thinking about a third baby.  And I'm ready... if you want to."

Of course I want to!!!  I've been talking about it for a year!  

And remember this is coming from Lane.  The man who wanted a vasectomy two weeks ago...

And then I freaked myself out.  The pregnancy and birth don't scare me one bit.  It's the after part that I'm stressing about.  The hormones, the depression, the crying, the anxiety... what a nightmare.  Am I ready to go there?  Do I even want to go there?  Will it be different this time or will it be even worse???  Aaaahhhh.  So many questions that I will never know the answers to unless I just go for it.  Is my hesitation a sign that I shouldn't do this?

But Lane's ready.  He desperately wants a boy... but said he'll settle for a girl... haha.  (We'll probably have girl.)  

I don't really know what to do right now.  Pray for me friends.  Please.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

What I do for a living... and what I want to do for a living... someday.

Here's something I wanna put out there...

The other day I met with my "natural" doctor.  He asked what I did for a living.  Of course I told him I'm a stay at home mom.  He asked if I felt satisfied... I was honest and said "no".  I've been reading a lot about this lately... even before I met with my doctor.  About how if we aren't living out our life's purpose it may come out through anxiety.  Is that weird?  In a way I think it's true.  If there's something deep inside of us that's not being used or fulfilled then it comes out in a different way.  Like if God put a passion in me and I'm not using that... that's not good, right?  And honestly I have a lot of things I want to do with my life.  Things I've wanted to do for a long time but I can't because, right now in my life, I just don't have the time.  And honestly I feel like such a big idiot.  I've talked to other moms about this.  We do the same things, day in and day out.  Our time with other adults is so limited.  I just feel like I don't use my brain.  I'm just here, making meals, and cleaning, brushing Barbie's hair and coloring... all things I love... but I need to stretch myself somehow.

For starters, I want to be a doula, like a real certified doula.  I've wanted to do this for a few years now.  Since Faye was born.  I have such a passion for birth... and labor... and pregnant women.  I just love all of it.  I love how God is sooo in it.  Labor and birth is so powerful.  

Also, I'm really interested in nutrition.  I don't wanna go to college for a billion years... no way.  But I was thinking more along the lines of a nutritional consultant.  Doing in-home consultations... stuff like that.  And that could work well with the doula thing.  

And of course, I have so many big running goals... and these seem a lot more attainable than the other ones.

So, all of these goals will take years and years to complete... I'm hoping that just getting started will help me feel like I'm doing something that I need to be doing.

I had to get this out in words because I've been thinking about it a lot and I need to get on this!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Ramblings at 1:00 am...

I'm up.

I've been sleeping like a champ.  Running is like a wonder drug for sleep... most of the time.  Tonight I'm exhausted... but I'm up :(  

I don't know.  I went to bed and passed out and then woke up and here I am.

So maybe I should tell you my story...  A lot has happened in the last 3 weeks.  Good and bad.

It started with Claire getting sick a few weeks ago.  She got a tummy bug.  It was horrible and she felt awful but it was over quickly and she was back to normal in less than 24 hours.  But my anxiety stayed.  I bleached the entire house for a week after... multiple times a day.  I washed my hands every 20 minutes.  I tried my best not to let Faye go near her.  I was a nervous wreck.  I didn't eat or sleep.  I lost weight.  I felt like crap.  A week into this mess I decided to call my Dr.  I went in and explained everything and she prescribed me Prozac.  I got the prescription filled and then let the stuff sit on my counter for days.  I'd look at it and think about it, but I just couldn't bring myself to take it.  So I called her back and told her I didn't feel comfortable, and was there something else she could give me that I could take for "emergencies"?  She called in some Xanax.  I picked it up.  And that too is here... unopened.  I don't know what my problem is. I don't feel ready to take anything.

So I called and made an appointment with a Dr. who practices integrative medicine.  My experience there has been incredible.

My first appointment was with the medical assistant.  We were talking as she was doing some tests on me and we ended up talking about Jesus.  She was saying how she totally believes that so much of the battle with anxiety and depression is spiritual.  I believe it.  She prayed for me right there and I bawled my eyes out.  I left the office kind of in shock.  Can you say break through?  That's what I was hoping for.

I went back a few days later to meet with the Dr.  He was awesome.  He talked to me for over an hour about life, my health, my anxiety... everything.  He prescribed me LOADS of vitamins and some progesterone cream, which I'm excited to try.  

Also, I went and saw yet another new therapist who referred me to yet another new therapist.  I think we're getting somewhere... I hope!

I'm feeling confident that 2011 will be the year that I get over this STUPID anxiety.  It may always be a part of my life but it will not control me forever.  No way.

So this is what I'm going through lately... anxiety wise.

And now running.

Aaaahhh running.  How I've missed it.  

I took a five or six week break... No wonder why my anxiety was through the roof!

But I started a half marathon training schedule and I am LOVING it.  

I'm training in these...


Vibrams.  I hope to run my half marathon in them in April.  So far they're great.  I don't have IT band issues when I wear them... yet.  But I do have some other weird twinges in my feet and ankles.  I'm hoping that these things will pass as the muscles in my feet and legs get stronger.  We'll see.  

So hopefully, with the combination of running, good sleep, good food, lots of vitamins, some progesterone, prayer, and a little therapy I can kick this anxiety's a**.

Goodnight everyone.  

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Pregancy update.

I'm not pregnant.

So apparently the "blue dye" pregnancy tests are sketchy.  There are a bunch of forums out there on the internet of angry women trying to ban blue dye pregnancy tests because they're notorious for giving false positives.  Sad.  

Right after I took that test last week, Lane rushed to the store to get some more.  He got the EPT digitals...  I took all three of them.  One as soon as he got home, one the next morning and one in the middle of the night... the night before I started my period.  I was 4 days late... so I thought for sure this was it.  I'll admit, I'm kind of sad...  Baby number three is sounding really fun right now.  So, maybe this little situation made me realize that I'm not done having babies???  I don't know.  We'll see.

Just wanted to update you.  I kind of left that up in the air.  

Sorry to disappoint!  

Resolutions 2011.

Last year I did a resolutions post... So I wanted to do it again...

Looking back I realize that I actually stuck with most of them...  There are a couple I'm still working on.  But I've made progress!

So this year I have a few...

1.  To continue working on ways to be anxiety free!!!  I know it's a process.  A long process.  But this year I want to put in all that I can to get out of this rut!  I want to do it for me and for my family and I can't wait.

2.  Run MORE!!!

3.  To run a half marathon pain free!  I have yet to do this.  I ran 2 half marathons and one 25k in 2010 and some other races... anything over 7 miles was excruciating.  (Thank you IT Bands.)  So I need to ease back into running longer distances and really do a lot of strength training.

4.  Also, to run a half marathon in Vibrams... if my knees will let me.

5.  Less time doing pointless things... lurking on facebook, TV, doing nothing on the internet... waste. of. time.

6.  To finally start my courses to become a doula!  Geeeez.  It's taking me a long time, I know.  But I feel like I'm needing something like that... something to push me.

7.  To east less sugar.  I know I wrote a blog about this months ago.  But I have some serious issues.  I just have to stop.  I love chocolate so much.

8.  To stay caught up on my laundry.  I know this is a silly one.  But I'm so horrible at doing laundry, it's kind of ridiculous.  I just can't keep up... also, I just hate doing laundry... that might have something to do with it.

9.  To play more with the girls.  I'm always so busy doing "something".  I rarely just sit down and play with them.  But when I do, it's fun and I love it.  I love seeing their little minds work.   I don't want to miss out on anything... so I need to spend more time just being with them, whether it's princess bingo or having a wedding for Ariel and Justin Bieber again... I wanna be there.

10.  To be a better wife.  This one's so cliche.  But I do want that.  I want to be better in a lot of ways.  More patient.  More loving.  More attentive.  More dinners on the table when Lane gets home from work.  And to pray for Lane more.  I don't pray for him enough.

So here they are.  And it's now 12:02 am.  

I'm so excited for 2011.  I need a fresh start.  I know it's just a date but it feels good to start a new year.

Lord, help me to grow this year.  To be a better person.  A better wife, daughter, sister, and mother.  Help me to trust you and to depend on you.  Thank you for what's to come.

Goodnight world.  HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!