Yesterday was a bad day. One of the worst I've had in a LONG time. And it wasn't because of anxiety. It was just a bad day.
First of all, Lane has been working like 80 hours a week. So I'm tired. And we miss him. We all miss him.
And then yesterday we just had all kinds of things happen. Crazy car problems, kid problems, I was an emotional wreck... It was just a reallllly long day. I'm worn out. Yesterday sucked. All around sucked.
After a really long day and having our car break down in Monterey, we finally made it home after 1 am.
I've come so far with my anxiety. I've written about it a dozen times. But last night in bed around 2 am I just felt this fear. My mind was racing and I felt afraid. I don't even know what I'm really so afraid of. But I got up and prayed for the girls and kissed them. I love doing this when they're sleeping. I got back into bed and got this book out that I read awhile ago called Living Fearlessly. In the first part of the book she has all of these prayers that she calls "fearful prayers". They are all the prayers she wrote down in the beginning of her "letting go of fear" journey. I read this one last night and I had to share...
"Dear God, I want to love you with my whole heart. I want to trust you, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'll lose control --- and then anything could happen. I wonder what you'll ask me to do to prove that I love you or what you might take away from me and how painful will it be. I want to change, but I don't know how. I know you know that. Please help me. Please do it gently."
It's so simple. And this is what I fear most. Losing control. I want control over my life and over my girls. Their happiness, their health. But I have to let go of this. I can do my best as a mom, but in the end life is out of my control and I'm still trying to figure out how to be okay with that. I'm still not ready to be okay with that and it's something I might be working on for a VERY long time...
So if you have any stories to share with me I'd appreciate. If any of you deal with this fear of not being in control... I want you to share!
My two little lovelies!
(Thanks for this picture Krista.)