Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Bier me is (almost) back...

In a pursuit to get my butt in gear... I signed up for this half marathon yesterday.

I'm debating whether or not I should train for this wearing Vibrams and then see if I can run it wearing Vibrams... or if I should find some amazing comfy shoes to run in... Hmmm.

Either way, I'm running it!!!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Christmas 2010...

Christmas was absolutely wonderful this year.

Everyone was happy.  Everyone got along.  

I feel that this year I thought a lot about what Christmas really is... and what it's supposed to be.  It felt good to not have anything on my Christmas list this year.  And to just be excited for the girls.  I wanted them to have fun.  I also talked to Claire a lot about the true meaning of Christmas.  We talked about it for weeks before.  So on Christmas Eve when she was opening her presents and yelling, "Do I have any more???  Where are my other ones???" I was able to remind her of what we had talked about.  

Christmas Eve was at my parents... it always is.  We did dinner then Claire and I did a few songs for everyone.  She sang and I played guitar.  She was so CUTE.  And then my dad "read" us the Christmas story.  He actually just had it playing on his iPad and he held it up so we all could see.  Haha.  Technology these days.  After we opened presents we went home and set out cookies and milk for Santa and our exhausted babies went to bed.  

Christmas morning was so fun!  The girls woke up around 8:00.  Claire ran out to make sure that Santa had eaten the cookies and drank the milk.  And of course he had.  Then they opened their presents from us and Santa.  We spent the afternoon laying around then did a big Christmas lunch at my parents.  Delicious.  Then we jumped in the car and headed to Solvang (in the pouring rain) to have dinner with Lane's dad and step mom and her kids.  We had a great time there.  Even though I spent the majority of the evening sleeping on the couch and waking up for 2 minute periods to watch iCarly.  (I love that show...)  But it was so good to spend time with the Solvang peeps.

It was a busy busy busy weekend!  But it was amazing.  I'm glad it's over.  And I'm super excited because this means that summer is right around the corner!!!  WOOHOOOO!

*This is random*
One last thing... I took a pregnancy test this morning.  It was positive.  So Lane went to the store and got me some more tests... which were negative.  I'm gonna say... I was kinda bummed.  I'm gonna take another one in the morning just to be sure...  And also, weird to get a false positive???  Right??

Here are a few pictures...  
I didn't take that many this year.  Bummer.

On our way to THE Christmas party!!!  

Presents!!!  Yes.  It was a tad bit overboard.

Foofie loves her aunt Beetee.

Claire said, "I guess he didn't like this cookie!  He only took one bite!"

And christmas wouldn't be christmas without this bed head.   It's getting better every year.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

My wise man.

Alright people... it's 2:27 am.  

I'm typing this with shaky hands... waiting for the calm to come so I can get some sleep.

I've been in a weird place for the past few weeks.  Better in some ways, worse in others.  

I just had an insane experience... with Lane.  As some of you know, I've been going it alone with this whole anxiety thing.  I have a wonderful husband.  He's supportive in other ways.  When he knows I'm stressed he's extra helpful around the house, or he'll take the girls so I can nap or have alone time.  He's amazing.  But when it comes to my anxiety he's never really said anything.  Tonight he was at a friends house and came in late.  I was in bed... awake.  The lights were off but when he came in I turned my light on and told him I couldn't sleep.  He asked why.  Anxiety.  He asked if he could give me a back rub.  I let him for a few minutes but I felt like I couldn't breathe so I made him stop.  He asked me what was going on and I said, "I don't really know.  My mind is just racing..."  He said, "If I could take it for you, I would in a second.  I would take on whatever you're dealing with in a split second."  And then he started to cry.  Let me say, Lane DOES NOT cry.  Ever.  He cried on our wedding day and maybe one other time...?  But we've been together for 10 years now.  And he doesn't cry. 

 But this man wept for me tonight.  He tried to hide his face in his pillow but I could hear every sob... for me.  We cried together... for the first time ever.  He said he was just so frustrated.  Frustrated that he couldn't fix me and frustrated that I'm doing this alone.  He kept saying that he would take it from me if he could.  

And then we talked.  About everything.  For the first time ever.  Lot's of firsts tonight...

I just haven't felt like I could share this stuff with Lane.  He doesn't get anxiety about anything.  He doesn't have ANY. AT. ALL.  

But he explained how it affects everyone around me.  I knew this, but it's eye opening to have someone tell you straight up.  He told me he sees how it affects the girls, and my parents, and of course, him.  I know this and it should be enough to make me say, "ENOUGH.  I'm done with anxiety."  And I want to say that with all of my heart.  But how?

We also talked about the positives and negatives in my life.  I have a loooong list of positives and I have one thing on my negative list... you guessed it... anxiety.  And which one do I spend more time thinking about?  Anxiety.  Which one do I pray about more?  Anxiety.  

Lane told me, "I don't pray often but when I do it always starts with 'Thank you'".  He said when things come up in life that are rough he doesn't beg God for a way out, he just waits for it to pass, because that's life.

I am married to a wise man.  A man that sees the world in a way that we all should.  A man that is thankful.  A man that just taught me a great lesson about myself.  

Thank you for loving me Lane.  Thank you for crying for me.  That's what I needed tonight.  I needed to know that you are here and that you don't understand but that you love me.  Thank you.  I love you.