Thursday, November 25, 2010

4:16 am.

I'm up.  4:16 am.  I shot out of bed in full panic mode, ready to run from something... but how can you run from yourself?  Does anyone ever feel like with your anxiety you'll be feeling really awesome about it and then it gets worse before it can get even better.  I think that's where I'm at.  It might be the enemy attacking me... or it might just be me.  Either way, I'm up.  Wide awake.  And it sucks.

Anyone read My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers?  I've been reading this little book almost everyday for probably 8 or 9 years.  I'm sure there have been times where I've gone months without reading it, but I've read it a lot.  It's an old book.  The first edition was published in 1932.  This man had an amazing heart for God.  And it's crazy that he wrote all of these things that I can relate to today.  It shows that God never changes.  It's a little devotional book.  There's some scripture and some insight from Oswald Chambers for every day of the year.  I particularly love his entry for November 7th... "The Undetected Sacredness of Circumstances".  He's starts with the verse Romans 8:28... "We know that all things work together for good to those who love God..."  And then says this, "The circumstances of a saint's life are ordained of God.  In the life of a saint there is no such thing as chance.  God by his providence brings you into circumstances that you can't understand at all, but the Spirit of God understands.  God brings you to places, among people, and into certain conditions to accomplish a definite purpose through the intercession of the Spirit in you.  Never put yourself in front of your circumstances and say, 'I'm going to be my own providence here; I will watch this closely, or protect myself from that.' All your circumstances are in the hand of God, and therefore you don't ever have to think they are unnatural or unique."

I truly believe this... but I don't live like I believe it.  I believe that God knows every part of me.  He knows my heart and my mind and my body.  He knows what I'll do and say tomorrow... and the next day... and the next.  But I don't live my life like I know these things.  Sometimes I live my life in fear of the next day, hour or moment.  I'm fearful of the unknown.  Lately it's not everyday that I feel this way, which is a step in the right direction.  Why can't I just accept my circumstances, know that I'm there for a reason, and get on with my life?  Because something in me is telling me to fear.

I'm over this living in fear thing.  I'm ready to move on but I know it's gonna take more time.  I got myself into this mess and now I have to dig myself out.  And that's gonna take months... maybe even years.  But I'm willing to put in the time to get rid of this.

And seriously how many blogs can one person possible write about anxiety.  A LOT apparently.  Sorry guys.  This is just what I do in the middle of the night.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Run with me!

Alright running friends...

Who's up for a little challenge??

I wanna do something to get me (and all of you) motivated!

How about setting a weekly miles goal?

Since the City to Sea half marathon I have been slacking.  BIG TIME.  After that I just didn't feel like I had anything to work towards.  And that race was so bad for me I was just bummed out on running.  I've ran a few miles here and there but my love and passion for running kind of died out for a little while and now I feel like I lost one of my best friends.  I'm sad.  I'm irritable.  I'm soo tired all the time.  I'm depressed.  

I. need. to. RUN.

So let's do something about this...

Let's set a goal for this week.  

Let's say 20 miles total for this week?  That gives us six days to get 20 miles in.  If we run everyday that's only a little over 3 miles a day... or split it up into some longer runs.

Who's with me??

Monday, November 15, 2010

Bring on the earthquakes...

Read this... and read all of it.  I want input and opinions about the last part...

So I started seeing a new counselor.

She's awesome.

I've seen her twice.  We're doing sessions every two weeks and I'm honestly feeling waaay better about life... about everything.

We focus on my specific phobias and fears and that's working out really well for me.  We aren't going to dig into my past... (I don't think there's anything to dig up.) We're just focusing on now and why I do the things I do and feel the way I feel.  She made a good point that hit me hard.  She said prayer is awesome.  It will work in amazing ways.  We can use it find peace and to relax but sometimes we need more.  She said I could take a grain of wheat and lay it on my table and have every pastor in the world come to my house and pray that it would grow and produce... but it won't.  It needs to be planted in the ground to grow.  So if I just take the grain of wheat off of my table, plant it in the ground and give it some water it'll produce.  So that's me... I have these issues.  I've been praying and praying for 2 years that God would take them from me.  But what I've really needed is to find a way to let them go.  I need to give them up and get them out of my life.  I need to do that on my own and then he can do amazing things in me.  I just haven't given it up yet.  But I'm well on my way.  So instead of just sitting and waiting for something to happen, I need to take the next step.  

And this is kind of off the subject... but it'll all tie together... I think.

A local pastor, whom I love and respect, made an announcement at his church the other day.  (This is the church I grew up in... but that I don't go to anymore.)  He said he had a "vision".  I don't know if those are the exact words he used.  He said that he feels there will be an earthquake in California.  He feels it might be in March.  He's predicting an 8.0 or higher and he says it will be statewide.  He's calling is a "Mercy Shake".  But an 8.0 statewide earthquake would be a lot more than a mercy shake.  People would die.  A lot of people would die.

YIKES.

I heard this and thought, "This is ridiculous."  Seriously.  

The hard part is, this is a trustworthy man.  A man that has known my family since I was tiny.  He loves Jesus soo much.  But wow.  I don't even know.  

I believe that God still speaks to people in this way.  But I don't agree with putting a time or a number on anything.  

What if this doesn't happen?  Hundreds and hundreds of people in his church will be... let down?  And what if it does?  Why is the pastor the only one I know of that has ever heard from God in this way?  And why is God not speaking to other pastors in California about this?  Why can't he let them know so they can tell there churches to be prepared for this HUGE disaster?

I'm just confused I guess.  It's the kind of thing where you hope it doesn't happen... of course.

Also, I believe that God gives people discernment and so far I haven't heard anyone say that they think THIS IS IT.  People are like, "Uhhhh.... what?"

So ya, this is going on.  I'm soo surprised that my anxiety isn't through the roof over this.  I've been pretty calm about it.  Just like, "Ya maybe, maybe not?  Whatever happens, happens."  

So this is to say that, my anxiety has gotten soo much better.  Seriously?  I should be a crazy person right now and I'm not.  I'm okay.  I have Jesus.  I have my family.  I'm happy.  I'm content.  I've been shaken up in a good way.  I'm ready for life.  I'm ready for whatever.  These things that I'm so afraid of will only make me stronger.  So bring on the earthquakes, (not literally please)  because I can handle em'.

And P.S.  This has gotten me thinking though... Getting some supplies together is not a bad idea.  You know... just in case.  You never know.  There will be an earthquake at some point.  I mean... this is California.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Much needed girls trip.

Here I am.  I fell asleep on the couch a little bit ago then tried to get up and go to bed... and here's what happens...  I'm WIDE AWAKE.  So I thought it would be a good time to post my blog about Disneyland.  

We had been wanting to do a girls only trip for sooo long.  We finally sat down and kind of threw this trip together.  We decided on Disneyland.  It's not too far from home and it's super duper fun.  And I haven't been without kids in 4 years!  Lane and I used to go all the time.  And I love that place.  It really is so dang magical.  

We left late Thursday night and drove to Pasadena.  Lisa's parents have a condo there.  It worked out perfectly.  We got to hit up Ikea before Disneyland, which was amazing!  We got to Disneyland around 2:00 on Friday and stayed until midnight.  We were soo tired and soo delirious.  But it was a blast.  Then we got up on Saturday (after a FULL nights sleep... thank goodness!!!) and headed over to California Adventure.  We spent the day there.  I didn't go on most of the rides... because I HATE that kind of stuff... but I did participate in the bumper cars and the water rafting ride when it was night time and freezing cold.  (Good idea Lisa!!!  I'm totally kidding.)  And of course I got the most soaked out of everyone.  

And then we ended the night with the World of Color show and that was absolutely incredible.  Even though we had to run about a mile and a half to see it.  We had to be back by a certain time and we were running late. We ran all the way from our hotel to the park.  Let me tell ya, running at 10 o'clock at night in jeggings, a jacket, a scarf and little ballet flats is not easy... and not that fun.  But we made it and that's all that matters.   It was worth it!  That show was insane.  If you're ever there you CAN NOT miss it.  

So here are some pictures.  I didn't want to go overboard on the blog, so I'm not gonna put up a ton.  Enjoy!


Samantha, Lisa, Jackie and Lori... Love these girls.



SO excited to go to Disneyland!


Cuddling on the Matterhorn.


Pickle time.





I was THRILLED to have my picture taken with Mulan!  Isn't she gorgeous???


This was actually the first picture I took.  We were just leaving.  But I don't have the energy to move it to the top right now.


This carousel was adorable.  


"E" for Erin.  I made it happen.


We had just run a mile and a half.





World of Color.  This does not do it justice.


Lane sent me this picture of the girls Saturday morning.  My heart was already breaking because I missed them so much and then I got this.


 There's so much more I could say about this trip.  It was wonderful.  I needed it.  It was great to be with friends and to get away but at the same time it made me so incredibly grateful for my family because I missed them SOO much.  This trip made me a better mom.  I came home so refreshed and ready to be with my family.  And being around all of those babies at D-land kind of made me want a baby.  Uh oh.


Monday, November 1, 2010

Claire.




Stole this from Skylana, who stole it from Emery.  And I totally remember when Emery did this a few years ago.  I don't know if you made up these questions Skylana, but I just used yours.  So thanks :)  And I've always wanted to do this... because kids say cute things.


1. What is something mommy always says to you?
Claire!


2. What makes mommy happy?
When I say, "Love you!"


3. What makes mommy sad?
When I do bad stuff to Faye.

4. How does your mom make you laugh?
Make funny faces.


5. What was your mom like as a child?
Uh... my little pony?


6. How old is your mom?
Uhh... firty?  (30)


7. How tall is your mom?
Four.


8. What is her favorite thing to do?
Pet Bridgette.


9. What does your mom do when you're not around?
Hang out with Faye.


10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
Um I know!  Loving.


11. What is your mom really good at?
Playing with me!


12. What is your mom not very good at?
Eating popsicles.


13. What does your mom do for her job?
She cleans dishes.


14. What's your mom's favorite food?
Noodles.


15. What makes you proud of your mom?
Buckling me up in my carseat.


16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
Jasmine.