Monday, August 23, 2010

Summer is FINALLY here.

BEACH DAY!!!  Finally!

This morning we woke up and it was HOT out.  

We immediately made plans to go to the beach since Lane had called in to work.


So we headed to the beach.  It was in the high 80's.  Maybe even 90's.  

We spent the whole entire day there.  We got there at 10:30 and left after 4:00.  We sat on the beach, played in the tide pools, put our feet in the ice cold water, and ate lots and lots of yummy snacks.

What a great way to spend a Monday.

P.S. Today I was supposed to start my 16 week training plan for my 50k.  Didn't happen.  Oh well.  It was too hot to run... I know some of you run in 100 degree weather and you are just crazy.  But I'll count yesterday as my first day of training.  It was warm out.  We did a 3 mile loop... the last 2 miles are up hill and Lane forced me to push the double jogger up those last 2 miles of hills.  I conquered that beast and felt crazy so today I got to lay on the beach and do nothing.  :)

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Time to dig deep.

I don't even know what I'm gonna write about... 

I'm just up.  I tried going to bed but I can't sleep.  

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately.  About how I got to where I am.  About anxiety and why it plagues me.  I remember the day it started.  I won't go into detail but I know that a door was opened and there it was.  It hit me like a ton of bricks and it's been here ever since.  There was a good chunk of time after Claire was born where I kind of forgot about it and then a while after that it came back full force... actually 10 times worse... and now here I am.

Anxiety is a strange thing.  You know it's there.  You know it's irrational.  And yet you believe it.  Because all of the physical symptoms make you believe that it's true and real and right.  It's a lie.  It's a lie that consumes people and takes away.  It robs us of our precious time.  I hate it.

I'll say right now that I envy people that don't deal with anxiety... like Lane.  He really is not an anxious person.  He gets a little nervous from time to time... but anxious... no.  It's an amazing thing.  

But do you think God allows things like anxiety to happen to people?  I mean, since I've been extremely anxious I have become so much more dependent on God.  So I feel like, if I weren't anxious, would I still be so dependent on God?  And the answer right now is... probably not.  I mean I know I'd still pray and read but depend on him... no.  I NEED him right now.  To get me through nights like this.  But I want to be in a place where I need him no matter what.  Where I feel like I can't make it through a day (even a good day) without him.  Am I in that place?  No.  But I want to be.  I really really want to be.

A friend wrote me and it was eye opening.  She was basically saying that there are probably things in my life that I need to purge before I can fully let go of anxiety.  I didn't get at first.  But I've thought about it a lot...  And there are so many things... Of course my fears, but also anger, jealousy, pride, bitterness... all of these things tear me down.  All of these things make me weak.  I don't want to be this person.  I want to be full of strength.  I want to be humble and thankful.  I want to be a good wife and a good mother.  

I believe that I can change.  I'm thankful for the people in my life that believe that too.  I know I'm not alone in this.  So many people, especially women, feel the things that I'm feeling.  But I think a lot of us don't think that maybe a lot of our anxiousness is stemming from something other than just germs, or a fear of dying or spiders... or anything!  We don't think about the fact that there might be something in our hearts that needs to change before we can let it go.  I'm so glad my eyes were opened to this possibility and it makes me want to dig deeper and figure this all out.

Remember God is bigger than all of this.  He's bigger than anxiety.  He's bigger than fear.

I was feeling extremely anxious when I sat down to write this and I'm already feeling better.  It's funny how sometimes all you need to do is get it out.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Montana De Oro 25k.

This race was amazing.  Aaaahhhh!  The atmosphere at a trail race is the BEST.  Seriously.  Everyone is so relaxed and chill and NICE.  I was a little nervous going into this race because I have not been running a lot.  I mean maybe twice a week and that is not enough for an almost 16 mile run.  It's just not.  So I woke up yesterday morning and my goal was to finish and have fun doing it.  That's it.  And I accomplished that goal for sure.

I had a few little problems... but that didn't stop me from having fun.  I trashed my knees coming down the first peak.  Going into the second 8 mile loop I felt really great.  My knees started throbbing about 3 miles in and I knew I was in for it.  On all the up hills I felt amazing... the down hills were killing me though.  I kept telling Jess that it was worse than child birth... it really was... because there was no break... and it freaking hurt.

But I made it.  The last mile or so I had to stop and walk a lot.  Especially at the very end.  My legs would not let me run down hill.  It was insane and I've never felt anything like it before.  But rounding that corner and seeing Lane and the girls standing there was wonderful!

I limped around after but got home and spent a LONG time on the foam roller.   And that helped a ton.  Today I feel pretty good.  I'm not sore at all... my right knee is super jacked up still and that's it!  Also, I took three showers when I got home... I took one... then remembered that I had touched poison oak like 80 times, so I took another one with this poison oak wash and then I was still feeling sketched out so I sent Lane to the store to get me some Tecnu and then I washed again with that.  So hopefully no poison oak for me!  So far, so good!

So this just made me realize that I have a lot of work to do.  I have about 16 weeks till my 50k and I can't wait!  I need to get these legs strong.  I'm hoping to do the 50k without feeling like my knees are going to explode.  So I have a lot of training ahead of me.  I need to get these quads strong... so lot's of lunges and squats and running hills... fun.  No... but it'll all be worth it to feel good on that 50k.  I can't wait!

Samantha and Jess pre-race.

The aid station was amazing.  M&M's, Peanut M&M's, dark chocolate, pop tarts, chips... you know... the good stuff.

The only way to show HOW DIRTY my feet were was to have Claire lay down there.  How insane is that?  I love it.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Weekend in SF & 1/2 of a 100 mile race...

Lane and I headed to San Francisco last weekend so he could run his first 100 mile race.  

I honestly think I was more nervous than he was.  I definitely lost some sleep over it.  Especially the night before.  

But getting away was so nice.  (Thanks mom and dad!)  

We stayed in an "interesting" part of town.  It was kinda sketchy.  But the hotel was cool and old and semi safe.  To give you an idea... I witnessed a homeless man and woman wrestling out in front of our hotel on the sidewalk... she wasn't wearing underwear and I saw everything.  Also, I watched a man smoke crack for the first time.  So ya... it was "interesting".  

But I got to hang out with my brother while Lane was running which was wonderful.  We shopped all day!  We hit up China town and I got some sweet deals on stuff for the girls.  We ate a lot of good food and shopped some more.  It was a blast.

Friday night, the night before the race Lane and I went out to an italian place called Fino's.  We actually ate there on our honeymoon 8 years ago.  So that was super romantic and pretty special.  We headed back to the hotel after that.  Lane got his stuff ready and we got to bed early.  I could not fall asleep.  I woke up a million times throughout the night and looked at the clock.  Lane slept pretty good I think.  He woke up at 4:00 am to get ready.  He was SO calm.  It kind of freaked me out.  I think he was weirded out too.

So here's how it went.  Lane signed up for this race a while back.  About 9 weeks ago, he ran a 100k (62 miles).  No problem.  He did awesome.  He was strong and felt good.  He came back from that pretty confident.  But the over time kept pouring in at work and he couldn't pass it up... so instead of running and training, he worked.  Not a good idea.  

Some of you may not know how a 100 mile race works.  But in order to finish it, you need a lot of help.  Mentally, physically and emotionally.  Lane didn't have any of that.  He needed a crew.  A familiar face to be there when he arrived at the next aid station to give him what he needed.  To make him eat and drink and give him some words of encouragement.  And a few days before the race, Lane and I had decided that I would run the last 25 miles with him.  He said I could do it for sure, since he'd be slow because he'd just run 75 miles.  But holy crap!!!  I was freaked out even thinking about it.  25 miles!!!  And not any 25 miles.  A rocky, slippery, extremely steep 25 miles.  So now you see why I lost sleep over this.  I was absolutely terrified.  

So the story goes like this... Lane was going to call me a few hours ahead of time so I could get my stuff together and drive the 25 minutes over to the other side of the golden gate bridge to meet up with him and start running.  I was going to go to bed early and wake up at about 1:00 am to go meet him.  

But Lane called me about 5:30 pm and said he was feeling horrible.  He was almost 50 miles in and didn't want to go any further.  He was having a bad pain in his knee and he thought he had big blisters on both feet.  He didn't think he could make it another 50 miles feeling this bad.  At this point I didn't know if I should talk him into staying in the race or let him pull out.  So I just told him that I thought he knew what was best.  Honestly I think if I would've been out there at the aid stations I could've talked him into it.  I could've kept him going for a little longer.  But I wasn't out there and I hate that.  

But seriously you guys?  HE RAN 50 MILES.  Definitely something to be proud of.  And he did it fast too.  And the weather was insane.  Drizzly, freezing, and SOO windy that you feel like you're gonna blow off of a cliff... So he did great, right?  I think so.  And I also know that one day he will run 100 miles.  He really will.  Now he knows how he needs to go into it.  And next time I'll be right there with him.  And I'll train so I can actually run that last 25 with him.  

So me and my brother picked him up.  He was dirty and smelly and limping.  I felt so sad when I saw him!  I hate when Lane feels disappointed.  I wanted to cry.  So we went back to the hotel... Lane took a shower and then we headed out for beers at a friends house.  What a day for Lane.  50 miles then beers with friends.  No big deal.  Not to mention, San Francisco is no the place to hang out after running 50 miles.  I mean we had to park and walk up a lot of big hills and then a lot of stairs...  

This story is kind of all over the place.  But a lot happened.  I'm proud of Lane.  I hate that he's disappointed because he accomplished yet another amazing thing.  You've done it again babe.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

8 years and still in love...

I was going to wait to write this post until our anniversary... but I'm up... can't sleep... surprise surprise... so I thought I'd write it now.  And it's only two days away...

Lane and I have a great love story.  It's really really wonderful.  We've known each other for ages.  I think we met when he was 14 and I was 15, at a Burger King.  He was hanging out with a bunch of rowdy skate boarders and I was with my BFF Amy.  She knew Lane and introduced me to him.  I thought nothing of it.  A few months later I walked into our youth group band practice and there he was.  Our new drummer.  I remember thinking he was a cute "boy".  He tells me that he was so excited and nervous when I walked in.  Cute.  We became good friends really fast... even though I had a boyfriend... always.  But Lane and I got close.  Later, we were on a mission trip.  We were heading down to Mexico.  At this point I was 16 and Lane was 15.  I reached over him and rested my hand on the door telling him that I wanted to look out the window... okay... what a flirt.  He said that moment changed him.  We got really close on this trip.  When we got home I broke up with my boyfriend to be with Lane.  What Lane and I had was SOO innocent.  Like crazy innocent.  I think we held hands a few times and once he touched my leg.  Yikes.  But we had something really special.  We loved to sit and talk about the future and life and Jesus.  We prayed together and played music together.  He always wrote me love letters.  (And I kept them all.)  I was really into this kid.  I drove him around in my jeep and watched proudly when him and his band played shows.  I was so happy to be his "girlfriend".  I don't know how official we were at this point but we had something cool.  He was 15 when he told his dad he was going to marry me.  What 15 year old boy does that???  Seriously!?  Cute.  Then I messed up big time.  I kissed and older dude and screwed everything up.  I was so boy crazy!!!  But I always loved and respected Lane.  Things ended bad.  I hurt him, but he was still so patient and gentle with me.  We didn't talk for awhile and that was hard.  But I know he kept on loving me and was still convinced that he'd marry me... I know because he's told me so.

A year went by.  I moved to Ukraine for a few months to be a missionary.  I loved it there.  I remember before I left, Lane gave me a letter saying that he'd always love me as a friend.  I still have that letter.  I was just glad that he'd forgiven me for what I did.  And life went on.  I stayed in Ukraine for awhile.  Lane told me later that he'd stayed up so many nights writing an email that he never sent to me telling me that he loved me and wanted to be with me.

I eventually came home.  And as soon as I got home I ran right back to the ex-boyfriend.  We got serious fast.  Lane was still one of my best friends.  He came around every once in awhile and when he did I loved it.  He always made me laugh.  He always made me feel like I mattered to him.

So, let's see...  things happened... me and the boyfriend grew apart a little.  I started hanging out with Lane and his friends more.  But really just as friends.  One night I drove a few hours up north to watch Lane's band play a show and he decided to ride home with me.  Him and our friend Mike.  We ended up staying up all night.  We stopped so many times.  We'd sit on curbs and smoke cigarettes and talk about everything and anything.  I didn't want the night to end.  There was something there... between Lane and I, and I really wanted to figure it out.  A few days after this, I ended things with the boyfriend.  I immediately called Lane and said this... "We're supposed to get married."  And he said, "I know."  And I said, "I guess we should talk about it in person."  And we did.  He came over... maybe that night, maybe the next day... I don't remember.  But the conversation was short and I remember talking to him while covering my face with a pillow because I was so nervous and so embarrassed.  Man, we were young.

And that's where it all began.  Our romance was crazy and fast.  I'd never known anything like it before. There was passion and love and prayer and it was incredible.  Within 6 months of that conversation we were engaged and 5 months after that we were married.

And here we are.  Almost 8 years later.  I still love this man so much.  I know he loves me.  He still tells me every once in awhile that he still loves me like he did when I was 16.  I love hearing that.  He's the best dad.  He's the best husband.  He's so witty and sarcastic.  He's hilarious.  He's smart in every way.  He's incredibly handsome.  He's the most patient person I know.  He can run 62 miles without stopping.  He's impossibly amazing.  I am truly SO in love with this man.  How did I get so lucky?

Here's to 8 years of love and romance.  I love you Lane.