Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Moving right along...

It's been a while. Things are happening in the Biermann household. Goooood things!

Claire is fully potty trained! Yay!!! She went from diapers to panties so fast I'm in shock. Everyone was right when they kept telling me that Claire just had to be ready and then it wouldn't be such a struggle. But she's got it down. She's wears panties all the time, except bed time and nap time and she's pretty pro already. She hasn't had any accidents in over a week. I even left her in the Sunday School at church and told them that if she got too distracted playing that she might pee her pants, but nope... she told them when she had to go. I'm pretty proud of her.

Also, we are going to have a kid-friendly yard in about two weeks!!! I'm so so excited. We had guys out here today working away. Were putting in a lawn (FINALLY!!) and a little sitting area. Pretty exciting. I can't wait to have everyone over. Everyone and their kids because were putting up a fence so the little ones can't escape. It's going to be amazing for summer. And if anyone is interested I'll be purchasing a slip-n-slide really soon. I know I'll be getting in on that. I'm obsessed with those things! And we also planted our veggie garden. It's going to be cool to have all of our veggies for summer. We planted squash, corn, eggplant, strawberries, tomatoes, carrots, broccoli, and tons of herbs. Pretty cool.

Our chicks are doing awesome. They are all still alive! I'm honestly really surprised. But they are thriving and they are literally four times the size they were a week and a half ago. It's weird. So they aren't cute anymore. But I can't wait for them to be out and about in the yard. Lane is going to work on their coop this coming weekend and we'll get them out there within the next few weeks.

So pretty awesome, I just went back to Claire's room because I heard her in there. She was supposed to be sleeping and guess what? She had pooped in her pull up. Perfect. Just because I said she hadn't had any accidents. OF COURSE. That's the way my life works.

So that's our life right now. Claire is growing up. Faye is as sweet as ever. We are becoming real farmers. I like my life.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

A good place.

I didn't know if I would actually post this blog... but if you're reading it... I did.

I just wanted to share about where I am in life. I'm in a good place. A place that I don't think I've ever been before.

As some of you know, the Heck's moved back into town and started a church. I've been getting involved with the music and I'm having such a good time doing it. I went into this not knowing what I would think or if I'd even like it, but I don't just like it, I love it. I spent my younger years doing this... but it's different this time.

I spent the last few years... I should say the last five or six years doing whatever. I got through my days and that was all that mattered. I would go weeks, maybe even months without uttering a single prayer. Jesus was not part of my life and I was making that choice. It was weird for me to be in that place, because I'd spent so many years before that devoting my life to God. I partied my little heart out... those of you that know me know how true this is. I didn't care about anything else but having fun. Life was all about having fun. Every night ended with me passing out in bed and usually not remembering what had happened the night before when I woke up the next morning. But whatever... I was having fun. I didn't have a care in the world... literally.

I got pregnant with Claire. I started praying again. I was so worried about her when she was growing inside of me. So worried that I had done major damage to my body and that I wouldn't be able to give her what she needed to survive. But she grew beautifully and she's healthy and amazing. After I had Claire, I still prayed. Usually only when I felt sick or drained or when Claire was sick with a cold. I prayed when I "needed" something. I guess like a lot of people do. I didn't go back to drinking, which I'm kind of surprised about because it was such a huge part of my life literally days before I got pregnant.

Then I got pregnant with Faye. This time around was different. I was much more relaxed and I wasn't worried about her. I knew she was safe and healthy inside of me. God was definitely a part of my life during this. I prayed for Faye everyday. I prayed for Claire. Side note... I believe pregnancy brings a woman closer to God, because it is such a miracle. Some days I would just sit down, close my eyes, and think about how insane it was that I was growing a human inside of my body. A tiny person with a beating heart and a brain and tiny fingers and toes... How crazy is it??? It's incredible.

So Faye made her way into the world. She was healthy and beautiful, just like Claire. I was so happy to be a mother to two lovely little girls and my marriage was good. Life was good.

A few weeks after Faye was born, I started feeling weird. I was having crazy anxiety, panic attacks, hot flashes, insane headaches that went on for weeks... the list goes on. I was suddenly so fearful of germs that I would only leave my house if I absolutely had to, usually just for groceries. And when I did that, I felt panicky the entire time. I felt like I was watching the germs cover me and infect me. I felt like I was going crazy, like really going crazy. And that scared the crap out of me. My closest friends and family know how bad it truly was. I went to see a counselor. I wanted to start early before it got out of hand. I think that was where I was pretty smart about the whole situation. I didn't let myself go overboard. I learned a lot about myself during my sessions. I learned that I could have control of my racing thoughts. I learned that I didn't have to be afraid of the world around me, and most importantly I learned that I can't always be in control. I went to these sessions for six weeks and I was supposed to go one last time but it ended up being on the day that I went to be with Lori during her labor. I'm glad that I skipped that session and went to be with Lori because it made me realize that I had moved on... that I didn't need it anymore and that I had grown as a person. I was proud of myself.

I honestly believe that God allowed me to go through this crazy time so that he could teach me about his love and the fact that I really can depend on him. I've always loved Jesus, for as long as I can remember. I made a commitment to him before I even knew what the heck that meant. And I'm going to say right now, that I love him and he has changed my life. I am empty without him. I've also learned that I need to express my love for God not by going out and standing on street corners telling people that a man died for their sins but by being a friend and by loving people. I won't go out and preach what I believe because that's not me. I've never felt comfortable doing that. I believe that I have the love of God inside of me, and if I allow him to fill me with his love I will have the strength to be a good wife, a good mother, a good friend, a good listener, a person with true patience and a person with hope. I want to be all of these things but I know I cannot be these things on my own.

I love Jesus so much that it makes my heart want to explode. To some, I may sound like a freak. But he has never been more real to me then he is now and I think this is because I am finally a grown up. I finally kind of understand what it is to really believe in something and to stick with it. I know what it is to believe in something and to not be ashamed.

So there it is. This is my life now. I am a believer.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

How Jackson changed my world...

I feel like a new person today... for so many reasons. Having the privilege of being with Lori during her labor yesterday made me a better person. Watching a baby be born is beautiful, miraculous, spiritual... It's so many things. I don't think it can be described in words. Jackson was the first baby I've seen be born, besides watching millions of childbirth videos on youtube. Being there with Lori through 12 hours of her 20 hour labor was incredible. It made me realize how powerful we women are. Lori's doctor said it right when he told Andy while Lori was pushing, "There is a reason why women are the ones that do this and men aren't, because men just couldn't, they aren't strong enough." I think that's so true. We are so strong emotionally and to physically go through hours of hard work and then end it with pushing a HUGE thing our of our bodies is pretty freaking amazing. I'm getting chills just thinking about yesterday. It was seriously incredible. I want to tell the story... I am pretty much just as excited about this birth story as I was about my own babies... so this might be long...

Lori called me at 2:00 am yesterday saying they were heading up to the hospital. They actually ended up laboring at home for awhile and getting to the hospital around 5:30 or 6:00 and I got there around 9:00 am. When I got there things were going great. Lori was up and around. Every time she'd have a contraction she'd have to put a pillow on the ground under her knees and lean on the bed. Andy would massage her back through each contraction. They had a good little system going. Lori decided that she wanted to go out and walk around to help things pick up. We walked up and down the stairs behind the hospital a million times, and I could tell that Lori's contractions were getting stronger. She was doing great! They were intense, but in between them she was laughing and talking, like it was just a normal day. It was really light hearted. Andy was making her laugh, as usual. I got to take a few pictures of them during this time, and I know down the road those pictures will bring back a lot of awesome memories for them. Andy would hold Lori through her contractions and help her breathe. Then after each one he would kiss her and tell her that he loved her or tell her how amazing she was. This was after EVERY SINGLE contraction. It made me get teary eyed a few times. He seriously loves that girl. Things stayed the same for a few hours. Lori stayed at 4 centimeters for a long time and I think she was discouraged when the nurse checked her and told her she was still at a 4. I wish I could describe the look on her face during that moment. I tried to encourage her. She really was doing so good! After this things started picking up a little. I few hours went by. Lori was really having to concentrate and control her breathing through every contraction now. She got into the labor tub and said it really helped to alleviate some of the pressure and pain. But then she would have to get out so that the nurse could monitor the baby for a few minutes and check Lori's blood pressure. The contractions were a lot more intense out of the water. In the late afternoon the contractions really started to get stronger. Lori started throwing up and I kept telling her that was a good sign that things were really happening down there. She kept burping too. I know that burping and throwing up are are a great sign that you're going through transition. She was also shaking a lot. I told her I thought she was in transition and she looked at me and said, “Really?!” The nurse checked her a little while after this and told her she was 7 to 8 centimeters. After this things really started moving along. The contractions were intense and taking ALL of Lori's strength. She was trying to find ways to get on top of them but had a hard time. They were powerful. I could see by the look in her eyes that after some of the contractions she was feeling defeated and overwhelmed. Also a good sign... when you feel these things it means the end is near! Lori was in a daze at this point. She was extremely exhausted and also flying high on endorphins (those things work wonders). At one point she was having a conversation with me and started talking about something completely different in the middle of a sentence. She was tired... really really tired. I kept praying that the baby would come soon. I have a new found respect for Lori. The time that it took for her to get from 7 to 10 centimeters took hours but she took it like a champ. She was stuck at 8 for a couple of hours but went from 8 to 10 pretty quickly. The hard part was that Lori had the urge to push at 8 centimeters but was told not to so her cervix wouldn’t swell. I can't even describe the look on Lori's face when the nurse checked her for the last time and told her she was completely dilated. I could tell that knowing that she had made it this far on her own strength gave her a rush of energy. Then it was just all about Jackson... getting that little guy out and holding him in her arms. She was so close! She started pushing on her own. She was a great pusher. She listened to her body and went into it every time without fear. It was awesome. I know those feelings and sensations can be scary, especially for a first time mom. I think Lori got a little freaked out for a second but that's it. The doctor kept commenting on how strong she was. And those of you that know Lori know that she is good at everything and pushing a baby was as easy as pie for her. Ha. So Lori was pushing really good and moving the baby down really quickly. Andy, myself and the nurse were cheering Lori on and she was doing amazing. I think once the doctor got in there and got set up Lori pushed for about 15 minutes before Jackson made his way into the world at 9:28 pm. He was perfect. They placed him right on Lori’s skin and he just looked up at her and made tiny little noises while he looked at the love of his life... his mama. I brushed Lori’s hair out of her face and said, “You did it Lori! Aren’t you proud of yourself?!” She smiled so big and said, “Yes!” She had had the labor and birth that she had hoped for. It may have taken a little longer then she expected but everything fell into place and Jackson made it into the world safe and healthy!

I said my goodbyes and left the hospital at about 10:15. I got home to a starving Faye. Literally starving. That is a whole different story! I got ready and climbed into bed with Lane and my girls and thought about how thankful I was for them.

Birth is such a miracle. Seeing what a women goes through for her baby changed me. I mean I know I’ve done it twice but it was different being on the outside looking in. What Lori did for Jackson before he was even born was incredible. She expressed her love for him in a way that cannot be described in words by going through the most intense experience she’ll ever have. It was really beautiful.

I’m so thankful I got to be a part of it. I went into not knowing if I could do it or if I would be strong enough for Lori. But my instincts kicked in immediately. I think I helped Lori more towards the end when she needed someone to tell her that she really could do it. I know that feeling... the feeling that you can’t go on one second longer. But to have someone in your face telling you that you can makes all the difference in the world.

Seeing Jackson make his way into the world changed me. I honestly feel like a different person today. I woke up more thankful for my husband. Seeing how Andy loved Lori made me want to be a better wife. I woke up more thankful for my beautiful little girls. I woke up wanting to have more patience for them and wanting to be a better mother. Seeing Jackson be born did something in me and I love it.

Thank you Andy and Lori for letting me be a part of such an important day in your lives. I will remember it forever.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

STRESSFUL.

I will NEVER try and go grocery shopping by myself with Claire and Faye again. It's been awhile since I have attempted this and today just reminded me why I HATE to do this. This afternoon we went for a walk with Lori which was really fun and relaxing. Claire was starting to be whiny towards the end of our walk so I knew our much needed trip to the grocery store was going to be a rough one. So we get to Trader Joes. Claire sees a bird in the parking lot and immediately tries to run after it... did I mention we are in the parking lot? I've got Faye in the carrier, I'm trying to get a cart and now I'm chasing after Claire. I grab her by the arm... probably too hard and drag her body across the lot. (I am literally dragging her by one arm, I know I already said this but it was crazy.) At this point Claire is screaming!!! And now she is flinging her body all around like I am trying to kill her. I grab her arm even harder and whisper/yell into her ear that she better stop or things are gonna get crazy. She starts to cry hard and lays in the parking lot... it looks so crazy that an older man asks me if I need help. I smile and say no. And now Claire looks at me and says, "Okay mommy, I gonna stop now." Ummm ok! Geez. There are a few of you moms who are going through this with me and know exactly how frustrating this situation is! Like why throw a huge crazy fit and then just be ok? Aaaahhhh! So we get into the store and Claire says really loud in front of people, "Owie Mommy. You weally hurt me!" And now this. I look like the secretive abusive mom. So Trader Joes sucked. Claire did okay once we were there. Then we had to go to Albertsons. It was stressful!!! I am not going to try and do this for a long time!!! I called my mom on the way home on the verge of tears asking why I have such a crazy two year old. Why??? Someone please answer me.