Thursday, December 31, 2009


I'm trying to write this before the clock hits midnight. I don't want to be blogging as the new year rolls in, which is in 16 minutes. Lane I were just sitting here talking about our resolutions... I have a lot. He has a few.

Mine are:

-To organize my house... every part of it... and keep it that way.
-To be a better mom... have more patience... less time on facebook, more time just playing.
- Exercise! And stick with it!
- Do something musically... even if it's as small as playing a coffee shop show with Lane.
- Attend a couple births as a doula!!! Can't wait for that!
- Be a better friend to the friends I have.
- Have more patience all around... with EVERYONE!
- To get over my stupid fears of sickness and to move on with my life!!!

Lane's are:

- To finish his 62 mile trail run in May.
- To be better with our money so he can work waaaay less.
- To help more with the housework.
- To make sure that he's spending plenty of time with me and the babies.

We're allowed to have that many, right? My list could go on and on. I narrowed it down to the most important ones.

So HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!! I'm excited for this. A new year. It's going to be full of surprises, as every year is!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009


With all of the sickness that's been going around, I've been on edge. I've been living in constant fear, which is no fun for any one around me. So first of all I'm sorry friends and family who have had to deal with me. Today my mom and I got into it. It was about something stupid but it was just me... I'm tense and crazy and the tiniest thing sets me off. It's horrible. I'm sorry mom.

The past few nights I've been doing some major praying. I've heard it a million times... If you are living in fear, you aren't trusting God. I believe it. But why can't I let this go? I pray and pray and ask for it to be taken from me. Stupid FEAR. It torments me. Do I mean what I'm praying? Is there a reason why I still feel this way? I want answers but they aren't coming.

I read this last night. It was powerful and it did something in me.

"For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:3-5

That's what these are in my life... strongholds. They are strongholds that I've created or allowed to be built up around me.

And for me, this fight is such a spiritual thing. It always has been. For some people, anxiety is just there... it sucks and it's just something they deal with... for me, it's an attack, on my life, on my heart, therefore affecting my family and the people I love.

This blog is really weird and deep and I don't get this way very often. But right now, I'm in search of freedom from these "strongholds" and I need to talk about it. I want out. I want this to stop. I want to be at a place in my life where I can trust the Jesus that I've known for so long. Where something as stupid as the flu won't even phase me because I have him there with me. Because I have his peace.

I read that verse last night and it just made me want to fight back. I've been fighting back for over a year but this time I want to do with all of me. I'm tired of feeling defeated. My God is bigger than this.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Cookie Extravaganza!!!

We had a cookie baking party today...

We ended up with a lot of cookies. A lot.

Claire ate so many and I'm seriously surprised that she didn't barf. After about her 5th one I told her no more and she still managed to sneak more into her tummy. Not to mention all of the frosting she ate. Geeeeez. Eww.

But it was fun. We listened to cheesy Christmas music and argued a little. Haha.

Disneyland... again...

So we kind of go to Disneyland a lot. Well not a lot compared to some... like my sister-in-laws who go a few times a week... But I feel like we go a lot for people who live 4 1/2 hours away. We love it there. But the more we go the more I realize how crazy we are for loving it. It's makes for the most tiring weekend trip ever. The drive... and then going to a huge crazy busy place from 9 am until midnight... not to mention the lines. Oh dear lord. The lines. Kids don't do that great in lines. But we went... again. And we had fun. This trip felt like it went a lot smoother than last time. The girls were good and happy for the most part. Here are some pictures. Enjoy.

Claire got to meet up with one of the little guys from her preschool class, Dillon. She was super excited.

We waited in line for ALMOST AN HOUR!!!!!! just to meet this girl dressed as Tinkerbell. She acted like she'd had a rough night the night before. She couldn't even get up to greet Claire, and she barely said a word, which was a bummer because did I mention that we waited in line for ALMOST AN HOUR!!!!!!

But Silvermist was cool.

Faye... just checkin' out the map...

And this is still my fave... New Orleans Square. The coolest part of Christmas time at Disneyland.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Bedroom Makeover...

So, it's midnight. I tried going to bed "early". And guess what... I couldn't fall asleep. So here I am. Writing a blog. Yay. I thought I'd do a post on our little bedroom makeover which is still in the works. Here's what we've done so far...

We started with making an upholstered headboard. I bought this fabric (it's actually a sheet) at a garage sale for a quarter. I had enough to upholster this headboard and make a table cloth. I really like it so we just have it alll over our house now.

It ended up looking like this. I'm pretty happy with it.

Then I painted our nightstands. They turned out good. They look kind of Urban Outfitters-ish.

And I found this little table at a garage sale for $5. It's cute and was in good condition. I painted it.

I painted this bookshelf and I've been looking for a perfect chair to replace the rocking chair.

And my next big project is painting this beast of a dresser. It's huge. It's going to take a lot of time and work.

So that's it. We got most of it done in one weekend. I'm loving it so far. And I've heard it a million times on HGTV, "Your bedroom should be your sanctuary. A place where you go to relax." Ours is finally becoming that. It only took 7 1/2 years. Geez.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Can't let go.

The past few days my anxiety levels are HIGH. I'm so bummed. I was doing so well. Here's the deal... summer months and into fall, when the weather is warm, are ideal for me. As I'm sure all of you know, viruses thrive in cold weather. So as the days get colder the more worried I become. It's like a game. I'm just waiting to be hit with something. This is the worst. Today as I was driving I was praying for peace. Feeling this way is so overwhelming and it wears me down. Nothing wears me down like worry does. Not even my kids. Right now my two amazing babies are my only distraction from the torment of worrying about stupid sicknesses. I do fine all day when I'm with them. Then night time comes around and instead of enjoying my alone time, I just worry... or write blogs about worrying. Dumb.

My fears started after I had Faye. I definitely had some major depression issues and then began my crazy obsessions. I was wiping down every surface in my house twenty times a day, with disinfectant wipes, including door knobs and light switches. I was turning on the faucets with something other then my hand... a towel, a tissue, whatever was handy. I was washing my hands sooo many times everyday that they were cracked and bleeding. I was using hand sanitizer way too much. I would avoid going anywhere unless it was absolutely necessary... like the grocery store. And I would do anything I could to make sure the girls didn't leave our house. I never ever got gas because who knows who had touched that thing! I'd always make Lane do it, even if it was extremely inconvenient for him. I was afraid of sickness. And the truth is, I still am. I'm definitely not even close to where I was at this time last year... but these stupid fears are still lingering and they're holding me back in life.

I miss having joy. Like now, I can laugh and be silly and happy, but those fears... they're still in the back of my mind. They just won't leave me alone. This reminds me, I was looking through some pictures the other day. There is a picture of me pushing Claire in a shopping cart at the grocery store with NO cart cover thingy. Seriously?! Today you couldn't pay me any amount of money to push a shopping cart with my bare hands. I look back on that picture and I want that. I want that mindset. The thought about me becoming infected with something because I was touching a shopping cart didn't even cross my mind at that time. I MISS THAT. Silly, right? But it's those little things that make life enjoyable and simple. When you don't have to worry about those stupid little things, you have so much more room for joy.

I hate this. I'm learning that I can totally talk myself out of having anxiety. That makes it even more ridiculous... right?

So as we get into these winter months, I need to freaking relax. I need to eat healthy, take my vitamins, exercise, keep my hands clean, keep my house clean... these are the only things I can do within my control. And that's all this is. I have control issues... still. All anxiety issues come down to having control issues.

I LOVE how Lane lives. He doesn't have control issues AT ALL. He's so "whatever" about everything and I envy that. Life would be so much easier. And Lane will tell me, "Just let it go. Who cares." But it's not that easy! You out there with anxiety... about anything... you know that you can't just let it go! And if we could do that, we would! We would do pretty much anything for the ability to just LET IT GO. But we can't. It doesn't work that way. It takes patience, and work, and prayer and I think most importantly, time. Time to let it go. And I can't. I just can't. let. go.

Hopefully with time, I will get over my fears. I can't wait to actually be excited about Christmas time. Because right now I dread it and it used to be my favorite.