Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Update Me.

I feel like since I haven't updated my facebook status for almost a week that I need to do an update on life.

So, not spending time on facebook has been good. I feel like I've gotten a little more accomplished during the day. But the change isn't that drastic. Maybe I realized that I actually don't spend an outrageous amount of time on there and that's good. But I think what I'm going to do is just limit myself to once a day. I love to go on facebook while I'm eating my breakfast. So that'll be my time. My morning breakfast date with facebook.

The girls are good. Claire has ANOTHER cold. This is her third one in a month and a half so that's awesome.

I love telling people what's going on in our garden. I checked our zucchini yesterday and found a beast! I mean this thing is huge. I'll post some pictures. Even Lane was into the photo shoot because this thing is so big. I don't even know what to do with it. It's definitely big enough to make at least four or even five batches of zucchini bread. Mmmmm.

And I'm so excited for this next part...

I feel normal. The past few days have been the most wonderful, peaceful, joyful days I've had in over 7 months. The other night, I was feeling crazy. Around 11:00 pm I called my parents and asked if they would come over and pray for me. Oh the joys of having your parents live next door... it's pretty amazing. They came right over and we talked and prayed. I had been praying right before they came over and had just told God, "I want to be done with this anxiety. I want to be done feeling fear. I want this to be over and I want to start over. I want freedom." My parents prayed for me. We prayed and we cried. It was incredible. Jesus is real and he is good. I feel good for the first time in a long time and I know it's here to stay.

So there's my update on life.

And here's some pictures of our monstrous zucchini and our chicken coop. Random, I know. Meg requested some pictures. And Meg, as you can see, it's pretty ghetto. Their coop is actually a playhouse that my dad built for me about 22 years ago.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009


Ironic that I am writing a blog about this... oh well.

I just hung out with Amy and we were talking about how technology is tearing families apart. Hours spent on facebook, hours in front of the T.V. and hours just doing nothing on the internet. It's sad and I've been realizing lately that I don't need it. I'm going to take a break from facebook and twitter. By taking a break I mean not going on for a week or so and then after that only going on once a day and that's it. It's a waste of time for me and I need to get my priorities straight. And right now, updating my status should not be a priority. I need to figure out how to be the best mom that I can be, how to keep my house clean and keep my laundry done and I'm not going to figure that out on facebook so... it's time to let that go.

We'll see how I feel. I'm sure it will be a relief. But I'm still all about blogs. I don't look at blogs the same way I look at facebook and twitter.

Good-bye technology. I need to take a vacation from you.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Me, me, me.

I've been struggling with some fears, phobias, and anxiety since Faye was about a month old. I get better, then worse, then better... it goes on and on. I want to get better. I want to be free. I want to live a life for my family and for a God that I love and trust. But do I really trust Him? If I do, then why do I still feel this way? Why do I feel scared and lost? I'm so tired. I'm so physically tired of this burden I am carrying.

Lane and I had a good talk about all the things I've been dealing with the other day. He doesn't get it. I would give anything to think the way that guy does. When he's at work, he thinks about work. When he's home, he thinks about us. When he's running, he thinks about running. It's sounds so simple and I envy him. But he made a good point when he said to me, "So, basically for the past seven months you've pretty much only been thinking about yourself." Yes. I have. How selfish and ridiculous is that? I hate it. What is this? I don't know how to get out of this. I feel weird even writing a blog about this. But I have to get it out.

I feel good when I run. I feel good when I pray. I feel good when I'm with my kids and with Lane. But now, it's 11:00 pm and I"m up, by myself and I can't sleep and I feel alone and scared. I HATE this feeling.

Jesus, I want your peace. I need your peace. I am weary.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Wednesday night...

My dad had a heart attack. That phone call was terrifying. As soon as I answered and heard beeping and a lot of talking... the sounds of a hospital... I knew something was going on. My sweet sweet mom. I had to get to her. I told her to call me back when she knew more. I talked to Lane and we prayed together, then I started to get up and get ready to go.

She called again, about ten minutes later and told me that she had had to leave my dads side to take care of some insurance issues and while she was out of the room his heart stopped. They did some chest compressions and then had to shock him to get his heart beating again.

My dad is the most wonderful man I know, besides Lane. He is giving, loving, hardworking, funny and strong. He is so adored by his granddaughters that it's crazy. He loves the Lord so much and his life shows it. I love my dad so much and I can't imagine not having him in my life... in our lives.

We are a really close family. By close I mean that I see my parents EVERY SINGLE DAY. Usually two or three times a day. We all eat dinner together at least once a week... usually more than that. We talk constantly. When Faye or Claire do anything funny or reach any sort of milestone, my parents get a phone call from me so they can hear all about it. We are close.

Life without my dad would just be strange. It would be unreal.

He's still here and he is okay and I am so relieved. I'm relieved for him, for the girls, but I am mostly relieved for my mom. We were talking on the way to the hospital the other day and she started crying and telling me that she was praying the night it happened and telling God, "You are not taking my husband away from me yet!" I know she would feel lost without him. Thank the Lord he is alive and well and his heart is pumping strong.

I know that this is something that happens to a lot of people. Something that happens to a lot of families. It's scary to think that life can be taken away so quickly, without any notice. But this has definitely opened my eyes... to a lot of things. I fear a lot of things. One thing I fear is death. I'm sure a lot of people do. But my dad told me the night it happened that "It wasn't that bad." Haha. He said when his heart stopped he just felt peaceful, like he was drifting off into sleep. Strange that at that time, there was no fear there at all.

It's been hard for me to believe lately that God, the Creator of the universe, loves ME. How is that possible? I think we might all go through times where we look into things and question. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. But I was in a place in life where I was just waiting to feel that power from God. That power that overwhelms you and you can't do anything but cry, and you have no words. On Wednesday night, I felt that power. I felt God. On Wednesday night, I was reminded of "God's perfect timing". If my dad had arrived at the hospital five or ten minutes later he probably wouldn't be here right now. He probably wouldn't have made it. I also have a new outlook on the power of prayer. I know that so many people were praying for my dad. God heard those prayers and answered. I believe in prayer.

I've learned a lot this week. Does God allow situations like this to happen? Just to say, "Hello. I'm still here. I'm bigger than life, and I think about you. Yes, you."

Thank you Lord. You are good. Thank for your mercy.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Good things come to those who wait.

It's absolutely silly that I'm posting this blog at 4 am. But I CANNOT sleep. I went to bed at around midnight. Woke up at 1:30 am and haven't been able to go back to sleep. This should make for an interesting day tomorrow. Wonderful.


A few months back I was looking into buying Claire some new bedding and curtains. I was over the pink theme that we've had going since she was tiny. I found this really cute set at Walmart, which surprised me because I usually don't like any of their bedding. For kids, everything there is usually super cheesy or princess-y. So there was this bird bedding that was super cute but it was $70!!! I think because it's made from organic cotton or something... But that to me is an astronomical amount to pay for a comforter, a sheet set, and a pillow case for a two year old. So I had it in my cart then put it back, as I do with a lot of things.

So the other day I get a call from Brittany saying that she saw that little set that I had loved at Walmart marked down to $20. Cool! I asked her to pick it up for me the next day. She went back to get it the next day and it was marked down again to $15. Wow. So here it is. How lucky! What a steal.

How funny is that tiny butt?

Friday, June 5, 2009

Our Garden.

I just wanted to post some pictures of our yard...

Everything is growing! We are finally getting big delicious veggies! I picked our first zucchini today and I cant wait to cook that thing up. The chickens are huge. No eggs yet. We still have a few months before that. But Claire chose two names for them that she's stuck with. Unicorn and Movie Star and the other two are still unnamed.

I'm surprised at how much I am enjoying our yard and our chickens. I love going out and watering. I love pulling weeds and I love how long it takes for everything to grow. It's fun to have to wait to enjoy flowers and veggies. I even enjoy just sitting and watching our chickens with the kids.

And we just planted some new things along the back of the yard... cherry tomatoes, bell peppers, a variety of HOT peppers, garlic and more sunflowers. The sunflowers that we planted a few months ago are already taller than Claire. Pretty cool.

So, this is the most exciting thing that is happening in our lives and I like that.