One year home... almost.

I know, I know!  It's been years since I last blogged!  No, but really it's been 6 months.  Time has flown by and also stood still.  I have no idea where the last year went but there were days that seemed to never end.  

I guess I wanted to blog and do an update on Zoomie... and me.  

Zoomie has been home almost one year.  It'll be one year on August 31st.  I will say this has been, hands down, THEEEE hardest year of my life.  The hardest year of OUR lives.  We have struggled and triumphed and then struggled again.  It seems that we are always taking a two steps forward then five steps back.  We make progress then fall again and again.  

We are almost a year into this journey and I regret so much.  I regret not loving enough.  I regret not babying enough.  I regret letting people in too soon.  But we're here now.  Nothing can be changed.  I can finally say, FINALLY, we are in a better place.  My son loves me.  He loves to kiss me and hug me.  He loves to be carried wherever we go (most of the time).  I think he is finally feeling safe.  He's finally feeling free in this life.  It took about 10.5 months to see him let go of anger and grief.  It took us 10.5 months to get to this place.  And I'm not saying that it's all rainbows and butterflies.  We are still fighting.  Every day.  In fact, today was hard.  Really really hard.  But my little Zoom Zoom went to sleep, kissed me and said, "Night Mama.  Wuz you."  He does love me.  He does need me.  And I think I've had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that he needs me.  He needs me to be his mom. He needs me to fight for him every day and to pray over him.  

A few weeks ago, we went to Bass Lake with a group of friends.  The first night there, as we had our usual adult bonfire hangout sesh, something amazing happened.  We were talking about adoption.  Two of the families on this trip, us included, have little boys, adopted internationally, so it was nice to open up to them.  As we sat there and talked, things got deep, reeaaalll deep.  I told my friends with tears in my eyes how defeated I felt as a mother.  They let me talk, then asked if they could pray for me.  And GEEZ did they pray for me.  It was so powerful.  I was crying, they were crying.  I felt the power of God!  That night I went to bed with a new hope.  A hope that God could and would heal my relationship with Zoomie.  I trusted in God to light a fire in me for my son.  I have to say... God is good!  A fire was lit and that fire is still burning.  Like I said, some days are hard, but I see Zoomie through new eyes and that is so refreshing.  

I just want to be real with you people.  For me, adoption wasn't love at first sight... hell, it wasn't even love 6 months in.  Our son was angry and scared.  Our family didn't immediately fall into a beautiful, harmonious rhythm.  I prayed often for Jesus to help me love my son.  To ask God for that feels wrong in a way.  I mean, who doesn't love their own son?  Me.  I didn't.  But it was so hard to love someone when they don't want to be loved by you and when they don't love you back.

But a few weeks ago, God truly did something in our family.  I needed to get to place where I was just done.  Where I had to give up and rely on the Lord.  And I got to that place.  I've never felt so weak in my life.  Those are the moments when God pulls us up.  He pulls us up out of the mud and cleans us off and makes us new.  He heals, and resolves, and builds.  Thank you Lord for being patient with me while I tried to figure this out on my own, when all along, I just needed to let go.  

Thank you dear friends for letting me share our adoption journey with you.  It has been wonderful and terrible and crazy and joyful.  It has been so many things and I will never ever forget this last year.  Thank you to the friends who have prayed and to the friends who have let me vent and cry. 

So here's to a new year (almost) with Zoomie!  Our son.  The tiny boy who was meant to be a part of our family, who has changed us in ways we never thought possible.  

A blessing in diguise...

Here we are... about 3 weeks into the outage.  My husband is a zombie, and the kids are crazy but I'm getting into my groove and I'm taking it one day a time.

And dare I say it???  This time with Lane gone so much has been a blessing...  Weird , I know.  This is why...

A few weeks ago Zoomie and I weren't doing so good.  I've talked to my friends about this and I won't go into detail here but these last few months have been hard.  Really, really hard.  There have been days where I have cried so much that I have no tears left.  Three weeks ago, I was running on the treadmill.  Mid stride I had to jump off.  I fell to my knees and sobbed uncontrollably.  

Zoomie and I were/are butting heads.  A few weeks ago we were disagreeing on pretty much everything.  I know what you're thinking... he's two.  Hello!  And I know he's two but we just weren't getting eachother.  I have prayed most days for peace over our relatioship.  I've prayed that I would be able see past the tantrums and the screaming and that I'd have extra patience.  And at this point, at this place in motherhood, I have been tested more than ever.  Some days I have failed miserably and other days I've seen the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Adoption is not easy.  For some, maybe.  But for the rest of us... no.  There are so many unknowns.  You put so much time and energy into getting your little one home that you don't really think about what it will really be like when they are actually here, in your home.  I look back and wish I had read more books on attachment, or asked more questions... but I didn't and here I am.  And how much would that have really helped when none of these little ones are the same and their needs are all so different?  I've read a few books, they were helpful but I was left with so many questions.  And I'm learning that the answers will only come with time.  As I learn who he is, and he learns to love me more and trust me more, it will get easier.  It will get better.  I know it can't get any worse.  I believe we've been through the hardest parts.  We're almost six months in and I feel hopeful!

   

With Lane gone a lot, I have seen more of the light than the dark.  Zoomie has had no choice but to rely on me and need me and want me.  I'm all he's got right now.  Lately we have more good days than bad.  There is a lot less screaming and a lot more laughter.  The tantrums have gone from 40 minutes to just a few minutes and that has given this mommy so much peace!

So thank God for this time.  This time where I am on my own and where I have had to just figure it out.    It truly has been a blessing in disguise.

The other day I was watching this video...

The tears were flowin'.

Yes.  It's been a long cold lonely winter, but here comes the sun.  It truly feels like years since it's been here.  Thank God it's here.  Finally.

Outage 2013.

It's that time again.

Lane is in full on outage mode.  (It's a work thing...)  My least favorite time of year.  I basically become a single mother for 2.5 months and my husband becomes a zombie from work overload.  

But here we are and I'm so not ready to take this on.  THREE kids, cold weather, anxiety... not a good mix.

I don't want to write this blog and sound whiny.  But you might be hearing from me a lot more considering that I won't be interacting with people over the age 6 much for the next few months. 

So here I am.  I guess I'm ready because I have to be.  

I'm thankful that my husband has a great job.  I'm thankful that the Lord has blessed us with three awesome little ones.  

I'm praying that in the next few months I will learn to rely on God more than I ever have.  I need to give him my fears and my anxieties and get through each day.  I need to be a good mom to these babies.  I need to be willing to ask for help.  (Thank the Lord for my wonderful family!) I need to pray, pray, pray.  I need to make time for exercise.  I need to eat healthy and sleep good.  These are the things that will keep me sane.  

I need to stay on top of the little things... the laundry, the dishes, the laundry, the cleaning, and more laundry.  (If you know me, you know I have a SERIOUS problem with laundry.)  But it's these little things that will keep life more simple, less cluttered and less stressful.  Looking at piles of laundry and dirty dishes = STRESS to me. 

These three make me so happy.  I pray that I would enjoy them and love on them.  I pray that I would be a good mama and friend to these munchkins.  

And to you out there who do this all the time... You single mothers... seriously, you amaze me.  Your strength, your patience, your drive... all of it.  Amazing.  Props to you!  I think I said this last outage and I'm saying it again because you ladies blow my mind.

Lord, help me!  Here we go...

Happy Birthday Claire.

I haven't blogged for soo long.  

Life has been crazy.  We've been staying home a lot.  It's been the best thing for us right now.  Especially for the little guy. We're still figuring things out.  Figuring each other out.  We learned quickly that Zoomie likes to be home.  After a night out, we have a few days of crazy, whiny, fussiness, so it's just better to avoid all of that completely.  We're slowly starting to hang out with friends again.  So if you haven't seen us for months, it's not because we don't love you, it's because we just need time.  

Felt the need to explain but I'm really writing a post for one specific reason...

Claire.

 My sweet Claire is six.

How have six years gone by already?  People always told me that time flies when you have kids and it really really does.  

I remember the day she was born like it was yesterday.  She was ten days late and I was so ready to hold her in my arms.  My labor was fast and furious and then there she was.  The love of our lives, our first little peanut, finally.  

Claire is the sweetest, smartest, silliest little person I know.  She hardly ever gets into trouble.  She is so incredibly helpful with her siblings.  She is one of my favorite people in the world to talk to.  She loves to use the word "fascinating".  She is truly an old soul who just gets life.  She is content and happy.  And she loves Jesus.

Claire, I cannot even put into words how proud I am to call you my daughter.  You amaze me everyday with your big heart and your inquisitive mind.  I love that you ask questions, every day, all day.  And I will never get tired of your stories.  You are so beautiful inside and out.  I'm so thankful for you.  You bring so much joy to every single person in our family.  I love you to pieces!  Happy Birthday.

To be reminded...

The past few days have been a whirlwind or stress, fear, no sleep and a million questions.

It started on Friday when I noticed that I was bleeding.  (If you're a dude, you might want to stop reading now.  This might be TMI.)  I had just finished my period about 8 or 9 days before, so this was odd.

I went to bed thinking it was just some spotting... maybe I was ovulating?  This was unusual for me but I know that it can happen.

Woke up, and I was bleeding more and I was in pain.  I'll spare you the details.    

Of course, being the googler that I am(that's probably not a word, but I am a "googler"), I checked out my symptoms online.  I had three options.  Pregnancy, cancer and cancer.  Yes, two different kinds of cancer.  

*Note to self: Do not google your symptoms.  It always leads to this.

The blood kept coming and I was freaked out.  I called around and a dear friend was able to get me into a doctors office about three days after the bleeding started.  I had an exam, a pap, and then she instructed me to go get an ultrasound and some blood work to rule out uterine cancer and ovarian cancer.  My heart skipped a beat.  

I went in today and had my ultrasound.  Outside and internal.  Geez!  Getting that done is sooo nerve wracking!!!  They don't talk to you... not even small talk.  They are so serious and they just click away on that keyboard, then after 40 minutes they tell you you're done.  Goodbye.  

I left there and went to get my blood work done.  Four different hormone tests and one cancer screening.  

I was stressed all day, waiting for a call.  I honestly got to the point where I was praying, "Okay Lord, whatever you have for me, I will take it with faith.  You have my life in your hands."

I got a call this evening.  Praise Jesus!  It's not cancer.  

But I'll tell you that these past few days have reminded me that life is fragile.  At any point we can be put in a place that might seem like it's too much to bear.  Or life can just be taken in an instant.  Do I want to live this life the way I have been living?  No.  I want to wake up everyday and live life to the fullest.  I want to be proud of the way I love and parent my children.  I want to be proud of the way I love my husband.  I want to be thankful for all that I have.  I want to know God more and to be good to him.  

Thank you God for the little things.  Thank you for reminding me that you're alive and real and that you give us the strength and courage to take on this life.  Thank you for this life.

I haven't blogged for weeks.  I've been in a weird place.  I've just needed time to figure stuff out.  I'm trying to figure our little guy out, trying to balance life with three kids, a husband who works a lot but still needs me, and a house that is never ever clean.  How do I do this??  I'm getting there.  I'm not there yet, but it'll happen eventually... I hope.

I feel like I finally have something to blog about today...

My little guy is finally loving me.  Really, truly, loving me.  I learned this today when we spent time a friends house for a birthday party.  The house was full of people.  Ha Eum went outside into the back yard for minute to explore.  I could see him from where I was and as he walked back in he called out, "Mama!  Mama!" and searched for me.  My heart melted.  This was the moment.  This was the moment I finally felt like his mama.  I had to blog about this.  I want to remember this day.  I want to remember the look on his little face as he looked around the room for me.  He came over and climbed up on my lap, just for second as if to say, "Just checkin' in mama", then he scooted off of me and went to play some more.  This is a huge step for us. 

I'm so proud to have this little man in our lives.  He is still wild and crazy, but everyday we see more and more of his sweet tiny heart.  Give us a couple more months and we'll be golden.

Fall Fashion Week. Day 2.

I'm a day late!

Fall fashion week is happening this week over at delirious rhapsody.

I haven't done this for awhile but I thought it would be fun and a good excuse to get dressed this week.  I probably won't be able to do this everyday but today my husband is home so I have a minute to blog.  Most days I'm so busy with these kiddos that I barely have time to do anything else but cook, clean, wipe little butts, and play.  Life is good!

Here is today's...

Dress: Forever 21 (years ago!)

Sandals: Gap (little girls)

Feather earrings: Elladolce 

Check out her etsy.  She's got some great stuff!  And she's a friend of mine:)  

http://www.etsy.com/shop/elladolce

I know it's not a very fall-ish outfit but the weather is so beautiful today.  75 degrees!  No long sleeves or boots for us!

Had to get a shot of the little man too!

Hope you have a wonderful Sunday!  

Can't wait to sit down with a cup of tea tonight and look at everyone else's outfits.